


My Heart is Buried in Venice

by blubberries



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Emotional Sex, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mild Fluff, Not a Love Story, coping sex, mostly angst, this takes place after the table scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:01:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29773785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blubberries/pseuds/blubberries
Summary: “Make me forget, Armin. I don’t want to think anymore.”Or, Armin and Mikasa cope in a way that will make them both forget for a while.
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman/Armin Arlert
Comments: 14
Kudos: 83





	My Heart is Buried in Venice

**Author's Note:**

> i listened to ‘my heart is buried in venice’ any ricky montgomery all while writing this, so i couldn’t think of another title. 
> 
> i didn’t reread this before posting, so i’m sorry if there’s mistakes!
> 
> also, this is totally based off the tiktok i saw, thank u @ackermans.wifee

The room was filled with their shallow breaths mingling together. A moan or two might escape every now and then, but everything just felt… wrong. 

_“Mikasa, I’ve always hated you.” ___

__Mikasa clenched her eyes shut tighter, trying to will the words away. She tried to focus on anything except the voice of Eren Jaeger; Armin inside her, his breath on her neck, his tears dripping onto her cheeks._ _

__It was no use._ _

__Eren’s voice remained a constant in her head, like it had always been her whole life._ _

__She had practically built her life around him, and now everything was crumbling apart in her hands._ _

__“Mikasa, stop thinking about him,” Armin breathed, his voice cracking on the last syllable. “It’ll only make you feel worse.”_ _

__She knew he was right, because when had Armin ever been wrong? She tightened her grip on his shoulders, focusing on the steady rhythm that Armin had created. She opened her eyes to see Armin’s tear-filled eyes staring down at her, his blonde hair bobbing up and down as he thrusted. She moved a hand to trace the black eye that Eren had left, and she bit her lip to prevent it from trembling any further._ _

__Any other time, Mikasa was sure she’d enjoy this. Armin wasn’t bad, far from it actually. However, staring up at Armin’s wounded face — wounded by the person they had both grown to love more than anyone — was like a punch to the gut._ _

__“Armin…”_ _

__“I’ve got you, Mikasa…”_ _

__She felt his arms around her, her breasts pressed against his bare chest. It felt nice to be close to another human like this, and for a moment, she could pretend this was out of love. That this wasn’t out of pain, out of the exhaustion in their souls. Mikasa pretended that being underneath Armin wasn’t a result of Eren turning both of them away. Honestly, she truly had no idea how it had led up to this moment._ _

__Mikasa had been crying after their discussion at the table, and Armin had walked in, bandages and all, to comfort her. She knew Armin needed to be held as well, and for some reason, their lips found one another, and they kissed their words away._ _

__They both knew this wasn’t love. There was no attraction, no desire. This was like grieving over a lover in ways that words can’t express._ _

__“Mikasa, stop thinking.” Armin’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts, and she met his blue eyes with sadness. He brought his head down to kiss her cheek, not her lips, and Mikasa closed her eyes once more._ _

__“It hurts, Armin…” She breathed out, and Armin slowed his thrusts. He knew, though, that this isn’t what she meant. He knew because he was feeling it too. The ache in his chest, the loss of a friend, the loss of someone he was willing to die for._ _

__“I know, Mikasa, I know…” He tried, his hand moving down to grip her hips as he began to thrust into her once more. He closed his eyes, trying to focus on the heat around him._ _

__“I can’t live without him, Armin.”_ _

__“Mikasa, I know…”_ _

__“What are we g—”_ _

__“Mikasa, _fuck _, can you please shut the fuck up?” Armin snapped, opening his eyes to look down at her sorrowful face. He was sure that his expression was no better.___ _

____With that, Armin gripped her legs and placed them on his shoulders, using this angle to thrust into her harder than he had been. He didn’t want to think about Eren, and he didn’t want to think about the way it felt to be punched and kicked by the one person he could have sworn would’ve protected him till the end. Armin let out a sob as he buried his face into Mikasa’s calf, his thrusts becoming messy and sloppy._ _ _ _

____They continued like that for a moment before Armin slowed down, moving her legs away from his shoulders. He pulled out, “Get on your side,” Armin said, moving behind Mikasa as she maneuvered herself to the position._ _ _ _

____Comfort was a silly thing, honestly._ _ _ _

____Armin was aware that the two of them could fuck until the sun broke out from the trees, but nothing would change. The hole in their chests would never fill. The ache in their hearts wouldn’t go away any time soon. Armin slowly pushed back inside Mikasa, pressing his face into the nape of her neck. He wrapped his arms around her, and pulled her close to his chest. It was an uncomfortable angle, but any form of physical contact was bound to bring some type of comfort._ _ _ _

____Armin slowly began to thrust again, his pace slower than earlier._ _ _ _

____“I didn’t mean to yell at you, Mikasa. I just—”  
____

___”Don’t apologize, Armin. Don’t,” Mikasa mumbled out, “Please.”_ _ _

____Armin kept his mouth closed as he continued to thrust into her, watching the way she buried her face into the pillow beneath them. He could hear the broken sobs she let out, and he was painfully reminded of the screams he heard when Sasha passed._ _ _ _

____Things weren’t supposed to end this way. Armin knew they weren’t dead yet, but they might as well be. They wouldn’t survive the rumbling, nor would Eren. Armin and Mikasa would give their lives fighting him, the one person who said he’d stop this madness. The humanity in him had died, and the two of them knew it. Every ounce of that bright eyed recruit died a long, long time ago. Perhaps it had been dying a bit every single day, and maybe Armin and Mikasa were fools not to see this sooner. That’s right; the Eren Jaeger they knew had died inside Wall Maria along with everyone else._ _ _ _

_____“Armin—” ____ _ _ _

______Armin came back to reality to feel Mikasa’s hands in his hair, her arm reached back to grip it tightly. The pain felt nice; it felt better than the pain in his chest. Armin snaked a hand under her armpit and gripped her neck, trying to reciprocate the feeling. He squeezed lightly, using this leverage to bring her down onto him._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Eren,” Mikasa cried out, and Armin couldn’t find it in himself to be angry._ _ _ _ _ _

______This wasn’t a cliche situation like he’d read in all of his romance novels, about a lover speaking someone else’s name during sex. Because, although their actions stated otherwise, this wasn’t sex. Sex was a good thing, sex was supposed to feel good. Armin had pictured his first time being with a certain blonde recruit, who was remarkable at combat and had betrayed him as well. He could only imagine that Mikasa pictured her first time being quite different as well, specifically with someone who had put them in the situation they were in now._ _ _ _ _ _

______Still, they had each other, and Armin could only hope that Mikasa clings onto that fact as tightly as he does._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Mikasa, look at me.” Armin said softly, trying to level his voice. She slowly turned her head, her black hair sticking to her forehead from sweat. Their eyes met, both filled with seemingly endless tears. He caressed her cheek, trying to remember a moment where she had looked so vulnerable._ _ _ _ _ _

______He recalled the time many years ago when she pulled him from his Titan, her cries echoing along the walls of a crumbling city. However, she was crying from relief that time. Relief that Eren had come back, that he was still here with her. Now, she was crying because Eren continued to slip through their fingers. Eren didn’t consider them home anymore, both for Mikasa and Armin, Eren was all they knew._ _ _ _ _ _

______Mikasa was strong. Armin had seen Mikasa take down nearly ten titans in a row, all without breaking a sweat. She fought effortlessly, and she felt no remorse for those that got in her way. However, Eren was always the exception. Eren made her feel every emotion possible._ _ _ _ _ _

______Armin, however, was different. Armin wore his heart on his sleeve, like a badge of honor. He had never expected for Eren to be the one to grab it and crumble it between his fingers._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Make me forget, Armin. I don’t want to think anymore.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Armin leaned forward and caught their lips together, and he could taste the salt from her tears, or perhaps his own. He kissed her with an ill passion, a passion he wishes didn’t exist._ _ _ _ _ _

______Armin pulled out once more and grabbed Mikasa, pulling her body on top of his own. She moved along with him, sliding himself into her once more. Armin planted his heels into the cot mattress and began to buck up into her, his hands gripping her hips tightly. He didn’t have to be gentle, he knew that. He knew that isn’t what Mikasa wanted, either._ _ _ _ _ _

______He felt her hands plant on either side of his head, her breast just beneath his mouth. Armin leaned forward and caught one with his mouth, biting and sucking as he did so. Mikasa cried out, and Armin couldn’t tell if it was from the sadness in her soul or the small amount of pleasure he was giving her. He almost felt proud, sickening enough. Proud that he could do something that Eren couldn’t. It was a silly thought, imagining Eren jealous. Why would Eren care? Eren Jaeger was a selfish, self-absorbed bastard who didn’t care about anyone but himself._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Armin, _please _…”___ _ _ _ _ _

________Armin leaned up and caught their lips once more, kissing her, trying to imitate what he assumed lovers would do. He placed his hands on either side of her head, and she covered his hands with her own._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Maybe she was pretending as well, that they were lovers, that their hearts weren’t shattered inside of them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He could feel the heat build inside him, and it honestly felt wrong to finish. What was pleasurable about this situation? Still, Armin allowed himself to indulge for a few moments longer. He gripped the flesh of her ass, kneading it between his fingers as he thrusted up, his hips slapping against her skin. Each small cry that Mikasa made drove him on further, until he couldn’t take it anymore. He held her down as he let go, burying his face into her neck._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Armin’s hips stuttered a few more moments before coming to a rest, and he let out a shaking breath. He felt Mikasa pull herself up slowly, her arms wobbling as she did so. The air around them still felt tense, and it was pointless to ignore it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Did you..?” He asked, trying his best to look anywhere except her naked body above him. He was still inside her, so he really didn’t understand why he was being bashful._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Mikasa frowned and looked away, averting her gaze. “I don’t know…” She murmured softly, and then turned back to Armin. “I enjoyed it, though.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Armin nodded, “Me, too…” He said softly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The two of them sat in silence for a moment longer before Mikasa slowly pulled herself off of him, and Armin hissed at the feeling. He expected her to get up and grab her belongings, to dress herself up once more, red scarf and all, and head out the door._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He did not expect, however, for Mikasa to lay down next to him, her head resting on his chest._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Mikasa?” He questioned, looking down at her. She did not meet his gaze._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Just for tonight, Armin. Just…” She trailed off, but she didn’t have to finish the sentence. Armin understood perfectly. Being alone was the last thing he wanted right now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Armin reached down and grabbed the edge of his covers, pulling them up so they were covering the two of them. It was sickeningly domestic, the feeling of their legs tangled together and their breathing mingling together in a much more intimate way than before._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They wrapped their arms around each other, keeping each other safe. Perhaps tonight was a mistake, but Armin had made far too many mistakes in his life to regret another one. He’d come to consider his mistakes as fate, and that thought brought him a sliver of comfort._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Do you think life will ever be the same?” Mikasa asked, her voice sounding so small in the deafening darkness around them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Armin blinked up at the ceiling, and he mindlessly played with her hair, twirling a strand around his finger. “No, I don’t…” He said finally._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Mikasa was silent for another beat, “We’re going to die, aren’t we?” She whispered._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Armin felt his breath hitch. Death shouldn’t be scary now. Death shouldn’t be something he ran away from, but Armin still felt himself hesitate._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yeah, I think we are, Mikasa.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The two of them found silence once more, and Armin allowed himself to find solace in the steady rhythm of her breathing. Eren may not be with them anymore, but at least he had Mikasa. That was all he could ask for, a small piece of home he could still carry with him until his light inevitably burns out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Then I’m glad, I think.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Armin lifted his head, looking down at Mikasa._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What do you mean?” He asked, titling his head in confusion._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’m glad I have you, Armin. I—” She paused, and Armin tightened his hold on her once more, pulling her closer. She lifted her head, and their eyes met once more._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re with me. If not Eren, then… You’re home too, Armin. You’re home for me as well.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Armin allowed himself to smile, which by now almost felt foreign to his lips. He reached forward and brushed some hair out of her face, tucking loose strands behind her ears. Armin looked at her once more before leaning in, kissing her lips softly. To his surprise, she reciprocated, their lips moving softly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Perhaps this was love. Not the love that creates families and comfy homes, nor the type that ends with a golden ring and a wedding, but it was some type of love. Maybe it was a love blossoming from pain, and Armin couldn’t find it in himself to care. He placed his hand on her cheek, caressing her cheek with his thumb._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Armin couldn’t amount to what Eren was to Mikasa. He knew that well in his heart, but he also knew that he wasn’t a substitute. He pulled away from the kiss to gaze up at Mikasa, feeling lighter than he had in a long, long time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Sleep, okay? I’ll be here when you wake up,” Armin whispered into the dark, and he could almost feel Mikasa’s reluctance to do so, “I promise, Mikasa.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Slowly, she leaned her head back down to his chest. Armin waited until he heard her soft snores to close his eyes, allowing himself to slip into a darkness that he awaited for ever so eagerly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________For once, he didn’t have any nightmares. Actually, he dreamt of nothing. Nothing but an empty void, waiting to swallow him whole._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________For once, Armin welcomed it with open arms, because he was not afraid of the dark anymore. The dark was silent, and the dark was peaceful._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Armin could stay here forever if he could._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________If only he could._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! :)


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